Tomorrow

A word that holds so much hope

Depression isn't something that is anyone or anythings fault.... so why do we try so hard to find blame? why do we blame the people that we are closest to?

Why is it that when our needs aren't being met, we blame people, rather than blaming ourselves for making sure that OUR needs are being met?

Its so much easier to look outside of ourselves rather than inside.

What are the chances that I have not grown up?
I don't clean and I don't want to clean because I don't have a grown up attitude about it?
I feel like such a baby most of the time.

So much childhood crap, how do I work through it? I don't even know where to begin.
I wish Judi were alive, She is the only one that knows what I know. infact I am sure she knows more than I know because she is older.
I'd love to talk to her about it.

In discovering that I am not living my life the way I need to live my life.
I need to put my life in order
God

Me

Wes

Kids

House

I need to do these things in this order because I believe that This is what God wants me to do.
I'll never be happy unless I do things the way that God wants me to because I trust and believe that he has my best interest at heart and he knows what is best for me.
In doing this I am finding things very frustrating. I am seeing just how lazy Wes is.
don't get me wrong he is a great provider, but that is all he does.
He doesn't help around the house, he doesn't spend quality time with the boys, He doesn't fix things around the house no matter how many times I ask him.
There is garbage all around out side of our house I have been asking him for a year to go to the dump. When he put the new flooring down on the kitchen floor he never did put the wall boards back up, which makes the cracks between the wall and floor fill up with food and dirt. I have asked him many times to do this.
A couple tiles fell off of our bathroom wall. He hasn't even attempting to fix this and I know if I don't do it, it will be this way for more than a year.
So this is the question that I have for myself. Do I accept that this is the way he is.. either do it myself or hire it done, in which I end up resenting him as I am doing now because I feel like he isn't doing what he needs to do.
Or do I continue bringing it to his attention, and not only feel resentful, I am upset because it isn't getting done.
I guess I just answered my own question.

Can I say that depression sucks? Gosh to think that I have to spend the rest of my life dealing with this is... well,its depressing!
Why have I spent my whole love feeling that I wasn't good enough,that I wasn't smart enough, that I wasn't loved enough. and that I was just plain ugly.
I still feel this way about myself.
I spent my whole life with my mom on a pedistal. now I am scared to reexamine my childhood.
I mean as a mom, I know she wasn't perfect. I have always known that. None of us are. but I am scared that there are things that I don't want to admit to.
Its weird I feel so very alone in my life. why is that? I have a lot of people in my life and the potential of even so many more. Yet I feel all alone.

Brandon is doing really well in School, he is reading at such a high level. we really need to start working on the counting by 5s and 2s.
Things are going fine with Wes and I. we get along just fine. we just don't have any time alone together. Not even in bed, with the boys sleeping with us. I really need to set a goal to have them in their own beds by summer, or by the end of summer at least.
Tomorrow after my annual appt. we are going to go to the science center to buy our annual pass.
peace.

Today was a very sad depressing day. Wes left for St. Louis for a week.

I have promised myself that i won't be depressed tomorrow. I am going to keep the boys and myself busy this week so it goes by fast. They sure deserve better than a depressed mama.
I have been knitting some slipper socks for the boys, as soon as they are done, I'll take pictures. I don't know why I even bother, I know they won't keep them on.

I worry about Wes being away from me, I know he won't eat heatlhy. Heck if I don't stay on his butt and prepare his food for him he eats unhealthy when I AM here.

Tomorro we'll go shopping and out to lunch, then come home for school work. Then we'll get ready for Soccer. On Tuesday we'll go to the Library.
Wed. we'll go to the park, unless its rainy, then I am thinking about buying passes for the science center. Thursday is grocery shopping.
Just trying to keep it busy this week, so it doesn't drag on and on.

I am going to have to get serious. I am going to have to step up.
Brandon doesn't ever play with any toys ever. ever,ever.
Why doesn't he play with the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of toys that he has? Well that would be my fault. He spends all of his time on the computer, or playing video games, or just watching TV.
This are going to have to change around here. The proble will be getting everybody else on board.
I'll have to have a serious talk with Wes about it.

ON another note. I am sick. freaking sick. I don't do well with sick. It makes me freaking angry. I am working hard at getting better by tomorrow.
Dennis is coming to spend time with me tomorrow. .He also has a doctor appt. I can't get him sick. It takes him down for a long time.

Tooth pain.
I woke up during the night with a sharp nerve pain.
I wish I weren't so embarrassed to go to the Dentist. This is crazy, I have such good insurance.
I am disappointed in myself.

Valentines Day.

I just feel sick today. I feel sick phyically, I feel sick emotionally.
Sugar just isn't good for the soul.
Being away from bad food for as long as I have been, I do realize that I am honestly an addict. Its something that I just can't do to myself anymore.
Wes brought me beautiful flowers that I do love, but I don't need to know that he loves me. I dont' want to feel pressured to call his family and tell them all Happy Valentines Day. Why should I have to tell his sister that?She isn't calling me to tell me, and I am sure she doesn't care if I call her to tell her. Its just insane. I am not going to do it, Wes can call his sister and talk to her from work.
ok, I need to get busy working.

GOD

Sometimes, Things pop into my head with such clarity that I think it can only be words straight from God.
Today, the house was filled with people, waking through the livingroom I just thought.
"Your life is a mess because you are a mess on the inside. Fix yourself and everything else will come."
ok, I believe this to be true, but now what? How do I fix me? what do I fix? Where do I begin?
I dunno.

On another note, just when I think everyone is getting better here, Lucas is throwing up again today. I have decided that I am taking him in,in the morning. Even though I know this is the flu because Brandon,Andrew and Crystal also had it, they only threw up for one day. Lucas is getting close to a week now.
I doubt the doctor can do anything for him, but I'll feel better if I can get him checked out.
so on we go with life.

Well here we are another day in the world of pukes.
Brandon became sick last night. I feel so bad for my boys.
They seem to be feeling better. I pray.

I have become a very bad Catholic. I am honestly ashamed of myself and the life that I am living. When I walked away from the Church my entire life fell apart. It has continued to snowball down hill.
Today is the first Friday of Lent.
I feel as though I am a disappointment to everyone.

Today I got to run off with Penny for the day. It was an awesome day. Very relaxing. I spent too much money. but had so much fun.
I wish I knew why I am so impatient and so emotional lately. I almost feel like I am losing my mind.
I am worrying myself sick in worry about Lucas being sick. he has been throwing up since Tuesday and this is now Thursday. Today he started with Diarrea as well. If he isn't better tomorrow I am going to take him in. Just to make sure that it is a virus.

I can't tell you how the last time I had so much fun. I really missed penny.

OK, the health seems to be returning to our home. I hope so, well everything except for my mental health. I lost it a few times today. Being with kids 24/7 is just getting to me.
I am supposed to take off as soon as I wake up tomorrow and stay gone until its time for Wes to go to work. Now they are saying that a huge storm is coming in, ohhh I will be a VERY upset mama if I don't get my break tomorrow.
I wonder if I can get Wes to clean the house while I am gone, hmmm.

Lucas is sick today, I can't even count how many times I have been thrown up on.
Poor little man makes me sad. As sick as he still is, he is starting to feel better.

On the homeschool front, Brandon is doing really well, Today we started working on Japan in our studies of Asia. We just talked about a few things about Japan,Then he colored the Japanese flag.
We did a spelling test, and he read a couple stories , and he played a math game on the computer. oh yeah and while I was cleaning the kitchen and making Breakfast he practiced his penmanship.
We'll take it easy the rest of the day and relax with Lucas.

Superbowl Sunday.

I really enjoy cooking on Superbowl sunday. Wes was a little unhappy because I didn't let him eat unhealthy today. But we managed. I made meatball subs, pizza, 7 layer dip, some cake. and believe it or not. it was all done in a healthy way.
It was kinda a lonely day. Wes watching football all day, the younger boys bored, none of the older kids wanted to come over today. They were all doing their own thing.

I discovered today that Wed. is Ash Wed. What a bad Catholic I am, that I didn't even know it. This is my favorite time of the year. It has so much meaning.
Maybe I can use this time to become close with God again, I am living my life in a way that is making me really unhappy,and am having a hard time changing it.

Brandon is going through this crazy period, I really hope that he isn't getting ADHD, maybe starting Soccer tomorrow will help him with getting some energy out and he won't be so crazy.
Lucas is starting to hit, not for fun or when he is playing, but when he gets angry. Which is when he doesn't get what he wants.

Is there something wrong with me that I look forward to going to bed at night just to escape life?
me thinks there must be.
Tomorrow is a new day, I will try to have some structure.

Today we went to Walmart, I hate Walmart. I always spend too much money there.
but I did need spoons and forks, the just always disappear around here. And some markers for white board so that Brandon could practice writing his letters.
His reading is getting a bit too good. I spelled out a swear word yesterday and he knew what I had spelled and just loved repeating it the rest of the night. grrrr.
When we came home I cleaned the kitchen and put up a couple auctions.
I need to get my bedding washed, we have had too many peed beds, I don't have any clean.