Lots of updates

Saturday I was having sharp stomach pains so we went to the E.R. They did an ultrasound.

Saw little armbuds heart beat at 171 beats per minute. he was in the right place so we knew it wasn't a tubal. They found a small cyst. which is normal. They felt that was causing the pain. I think it may have been gas.

They also changed my due date to Nov. 25th.

Monday was my first OB appt. we decided not to do a CVS test, and are going to do the triple screening instead. I'll have 2 blood tests and an ultrasound. We'll start that next week.

he also said that he doesn't want me to have a baby as big as the last time. Well, I don't either after the 3rd degree tear with Brandon. I don't know what they can do about that though. if he is big, he is big.

This morning I woke up. I had a dream that I had a miscarriage, when I woke up I was having back and stomach cramps. I am feeling better now, although I have thrown up 3 times so far.

I think I discovered my problem today while in prayer.
I have been so angry about being pregnant. I just don’t want to be pregnant. After trying all this time, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to be sick, I don’t want to do labor and delivery. I don’t want a needy newborn.
I think it hit me today that I am so mad/sad/depressed because I am really scared. What if I can’t do this?
What if my depression/anxiety is just as bad, or even worse. Despite all of my preparing and planning for it?
I am seriously scared.

Craziness about the newest pregnancy.
I am scared thatI have already miscarried. I don't have any pregnancy symptoms.
On the other side,I saw a very pregnant woman where we ate today. It scared the crap out of me. I couldn't stop thinking that I don't want to go through that again. and I SURE don't want to go through labor and delivery again.
what to think... I just don't know.