What are the chances that I have not grown up?
I don't clean and I don't want to clean because I don't have a grown up attitude about it?
I feel like such a baby most of the time.

So much childhood crap, how do I work through it? I don't even know where to begin.
I wish Judi were alive, She is the only one that knows what I know. infact I am sure she knows more than I know because she is older.
I'd love to talk to her about it.

In discovering that I am not living my life the way I need to live my life.
I need to put my life in order
God

Me

Wes

Kids

House

I need to do these things in this order because I believe that This is what God wants me to do.
I'll never be happy unless I do things the way that God wants me to because I trust and believe that he has my best interest at heart and he knows what is best for me.
In doing this I am finding things very frustrating. I am seeing just how lazy Wes is.
don't get me wrong he is a great provider, but that is all he does.
He doesn't help around the house, he doesn't spend quality time with the boys, He doesn't fix things around the house no matter how many times I ask him.
There is garbage all around out side of our house I have been asking him for a year to go to the dump. When he put the new flooring down on the kitchen floor he never did put the wall boards back up, which makes the cracks between the wall and floor fill up with food and dirt. I have asked him many times to do this.
A couple tiles fell off of our bathroom wall. He hasn't even attempting to fix this and I know if I don't do it, it will be this way for more than a year.
So this is the question that I have for myself. Do I accept that this is the way he is.. either do it myself or hire it done, in which I end up resenting him as I am doing now because I feel like he isn't doing what he needs to do.
Or do I continue bringing it to his attention, and not only feel resentful, I am upset because it isn't getting done.
I guess I just answered my own question.

Can I say that depression sucks? Gosh to think that I have to spend the rest of my life dealing with this is... well,its depressing!
Why have I spent my whole love feeling that I wasn't good enough,that I wasn't smart enough, that I wasn't loved enough. and that I was just plain ugly.
I still feel this way about myself.
I spent my whole life with my mom on a pedistal. now I am scared to reexamine my childhood.
I mean as a mom, I know she wasn't perfect. I have always known that. None of us are. but I am scared that there are things that I don't want to admit to.
Its weird I feel so very alone in my life. why is that? I have a lot of people in my life and the potential of even so many more. Yet I feel all alone.

Brandon is doing really well in School, he is reading at such a high level. we really need to start working on the counting by 5s and 2s.
Things are going fine with Wes and I. we get along just fine. we just don't have any time alone together. Not even in bed, with the boys sleeping with us. I really need to set a goal to have them in their own beds by summer, or by the end of summer at least.
Tomorrow after my annual appt. we are going to go to the science center to buy our annual pass.
peace.

Today was a very sad depressing day. Wes left for St. Louis for a week.

I have promised myself that i won't be depressed tomorrow. I am going to keep the boys and myself busy this week so it goes by fast. They sure deserve better than a depressed mama.
I have been knitting some slipper socks for the boys, as soon as they are done, I'll take pictures. I don't know why I even bother, I know they won't keep them on.

I worry about Wes being away from me, I know he won't eat heatlhy. Heck if I don't stay on his butt and prepare his food for him he eats unhealthy when I AM here.

Tomorro we'll go shopping and out to lunch, then come home for school work. Then we'll get ready for Soccer. On Tuesday we'll go to the Library.
Wed. we'll go to the park, unless its rainy, then I am thinking about buying passes for the science center. Thursday is grocery shopping.
Just trying to keep it busy this week, so it doesn't drag on and on.