Since I am so bad about updating.

We had the intrgrated test done last week or wait it was two weeks ago.We go in on June 6ths for the second and last part of the testBoth times its just an ultrasound and blood tests. They are checking for downs.At my last OB appt. last Friday. Nothing new just heard the babys heartbeat. It wasn’t my doctor, so it was a really fast appt. I did find out what I could take for my sinus headaches, so that was really good.My next OB appt is June 16th. We’ll have a lot to talk to the doctor about. I’ll have the results from my testing. Plus I want to talk to him about the fact that he called me to tell me that my last blood tests showed that I have hyperthyroid, which really pisses me off. I have never had anything wrong with me before.. well ok emotionally I have. I was too shocked to ask him any questions about it.

Lots of updates

Saturday I was having sharp stomach pains so we went to the E.R. They did an ultrasound.

Saw little armbuds heart beat at 171 beats per minute. he was in the right place so we knew it wasn't a tubal. They found a small cyst. which is normal. They felt that was causing the pain. I think it may have been gas.

They also changed my due date to Nov. 25th.

Monday was my first OB appt. we decided not to do a CVS test, and are going to do the triple screening instead. I'll have 2 blood tests and an ultrasound. We'll start that next week.

he also said that he doesn't want me to have a baby as big as the last time. Well, I don't either after the 3rd degree tear with Brandon. I don't know what they can do about that though. if he is big, he is big.

This morning I woke up. I had a dream that I had a miscarriage, when I woke up I was having back and stomach cramps. I am feeling better now, although I have thrown up 3 times so far.

I think I discovered my problem today while in prayer.
I have been so angry about being pregnant. I just don’t want to be pregnant. After trying all this time, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to be sick, I don’t want to do labor and delivery. I don’t want a needy newborn.
I think it hit me today that I am so mad/sad/depressed because I am really scared. What if I can’t do this?
What if my depression/anxiety is just as bad, or even worse. Despite all of my preparing and planning for it?
I am seriously scared.

Craziness about the newest pregnancy.
I am scared thatI have already miscarried. I don't have any pregnancy symptoms.
On the other side,I saw a very pregnant woman where we ate today. It scared the crap out of me. I couldn't stop thinking that I don't want to go through that again. and I SURE don't want to go through labor and delivery again.
what to think... I just don't know.

Well, I started my period again.
Its so disappointing! When do I get to the point when I realize that this isn't something that God wants for me and/or our family.
I guess I need to spend the next month in prayer, reading the bible and in meditation. Sometimes its just so darn hard trying to figure out what God wants from me.

wow, I haven't written in awhile.
I have been so busy. Living without depression is sure alot busier.
Now that Brandon is 3 I really need to get on the homeschool thing. I also need to make sure that he is around kids more.
Today we had story time. He loves it there so much, although is so shy. he gets over his shyness really fast after being with people.
He is such a sweet little man.

On the knitting front. I finished my first sock for Brandon. I'll share a picture of it later. It didn't turned out as I would have liked,but its a start I guess. I'll start the second sock tonight after dinner.

on the pregnancy front. I really don't feel like I am pregnant but I guess we'll find out in 2 days.

Well today we went Letterboxing. We had so much fun.
We started out at Seahurst Beach without any rain. We found our first letterbox, I was so excited.
this was after Wes slipped and landed on his back in the mud. Just as I was signing Brandons name to the book it started to rain. but we decided to quicklyy try to find the other letterbox in the same park. It started POURING. by the time we gave up on looking for the second letter box we looked like drowned rats. We sure had a good time though. Here are a couple pictures.

Here is some Fun Brandon and I had this week

Rain,Rain Go away!!
I can't take this rain anymore! I swear we are going to have to build an Ark soon!
I am seriously thinking about moving out of this state.
Is it a wonder why This state has the highest suicide rate?