Couple of pictures.

Mental Illness.
I really hate it. I hate that its forever.
I try really hard to not fall into the "why me". I believe that we all have something that we have to deal with. This is mine. I have to take medication for it forever. This is just the way it is.
I haven't been very good about taking my meds this week. I am really feeling the withdrawals.
I feel crazy. I have headaches, dizzy, I feel just fuzzy.
My family deserves so much better than me. I honestly feel so bad that they were stuck with me.
Its not fair to them. I do understand that they were put in my life for a reason, and they were meant to be with me, its just so unfair to them.
wes, I just adore him. I simply adore him. I am not saying that he doesn't do things that drive me crazy, because he really does, and his moodiness is really hard. He doesn't seem very happy. I don't know if not being happy is his personality, or if he is honestly unhappy with me.
I miss his smiles, his laughing. I miss when he would look at me, I could see love for me in his eyes. I miss the fact that he always wanted to talk to me, touch me, look at me. I really miss him. I miss him loving me.
Isn't it strange how you can live in a house full of people, yet feel so totally alone?
I am sad and lonely. My husband is distant, I don't have any friends. My family all moved far away from me.
well I guess all in all, I am just feeling sorry for myself.

Needs

sleep
healthy food

water
exersize
sex
time alone everyday, 1 hour either to leave the house alone for an hour, or to lock myself in the bathroom to take a bath and read.
from what I can see these are things I need to survive. They aren't wants, they are needs.

I hate it when I don't have much time alone.
I am really spoiled in that I normally have a few hours alone each night after the boys are asleep. I am really selfish with that time.

Today on Oprah I found out that I am old.
The Osmonds... what the hell, they all have white hair, I still remember the songs, the dances.
what a dork.

I already have the Christmas spirit.

I would love to have most of my shopping done by the end of this month.

Then I could spend the month of Dec. enjoying Christmas.

Lucas has a bloody rash, its just first rash.He had apple juice and I guess it was too strong for him.

I wonder what it feels like to be someone.
I mean someone important.

Today went pretty Good, depression seems to be gone, Daisy seems just a little bit better tonight. I just realized that she started on these new meds on Monday, she should really be feeling a lot better by now. I have to go shopping in the morning and I really need to take her in.
Amazing how much I love this dog that I have only had for 2 weeks.

• Sunshine is Natures antidepressant
• I want my life back
• I need to take my life back from the darkness.

I hope this depression ends soon.

The way I am living my life is not the way I was raised to live it. It also isn't what I need to be happy.

I just feel like I am drowning. I can't do it all. I used to be able to do it all, what happened?

Daisy isn't any better today. If she isn't any better tomorrow I"ll have to take her back to the vet.

Amy is also sick and may have to go in tomorrow also.

Nothing happened today, Wes worked. I just cleaned a messy house that didn't get any cleaner.

The boys are both asleep. Before 8 not bad. I have a feeling that I will be following them shortly.

Last night I was a sleep at 8:30. I have just been so tired. I hope that I'm not coming down with the flu that Amy has. I can get sick right now.

Our New dog that we got from the pound Monday has kennel cough, double ear infection and a double yeast infection in her ears.

I have been so worried about her because she hasn't eaten in two days, and the only reason she has had water is because I pour it down her throat.

While trick or treating (more on that in a minute) there was a lady giving away free dog food samples. She suggested that we try can food. sure enough she ate so much. I have been so worried about her, I think that she can start getting better now.

So today was trick or treating in Burien. It amazes me how many new stores there are there. So many that I'd like to go back and try them out. Its changed so much.

The boys were Stitch and Mickey Mouse. both so cute and got so many comments.

Wes is working this weekend. I am so tired that it doesn't really even matter. I just want to sleep.

my depression today is an 8, I'm pretty sick of it.

If any of the pictures of the boys turned out from today, I'll post them.

I am so tired. I can't believe how tired I am. I can't even hold my head up.
what is wrong with me?
My house is falling apart, I can't seem to make myself care. I want a clean house, I feel so much better with a clean house. I just can't seem to do what it takes to do it and keep it up. I just don't have it in me.
I also feel that my house is so small, even when its clean it doesn't look clean.
I raised my Zoloft to 200mg last night. That is the highest that you can take. If that doesn't work I may have to change antidepressents. I really hate to do that. Zoloft is the safest you can take while breastfeeding. I know that Lucas will be a year next month, I am just not ready to wean him yet.
Do you think that if I go weeks without cleaning my house that anyone else will do it?
Thats just not fair to anybody.

Where do I belong?
Who wants me?

I hate who I have become.

Easter
Very,very Strange this year. It didn't even feel like a holiday.
My brothers and sisters all living over the pass now spent the holiday together.
The first time in my life that a Holiday wasn't spent with my extended family.
Ok I take that back, Lucas was born on Thanksgiving.

Lucas
Lucas is still eating every 2 hours 24/7. I am so dead tired most of the time.
So I made the decision to start a few bites of solids today. I really wanted him to wait until he was 6 months, but I guess 4 1/2 is it. He did really well and didn't spit any out.
His excema is getting worse, I am going to have to take him to the ped about it. I don't know if he is old enough to use Elidil yet.
He is rolling over in both directions, grabbing things, put everything in his mouth, and reaches out to be held.
I am so scared of giving him his shots. There has been so much on TV lately about autisim.
His sleeping is getting a little bit better. I can't wait until I get the boys room done so I can start him sleeping in there.

Brandon
the little turd is so darn smart, the things out of his mouth just shock me sometimes.
He just finished a session of tumbling that he LOVED, now we are deciding if we should do tumbling again or start him in soccer.
He is going through fears, thinking back I think it might have started when Lucas was born but I can't be sure. He is scared of noises. He is scared to be in any room alone. He is scared to play outside even if we are with him.
He is scared some days of even being in the same room with someone unless they are sitting next to him.
So I need to get Lucas ready for bed

Wow, this is so stressful, Lucas is the hardest baby I have had yet.
He doesn't sleep well at all.
All of the other kids were taking 2 two hour naps at this age, and going to sleep at 8.
HE not only doesn't sleep much at all, he is so hard to get to sleep. He screams like he is being killed when I am trying to get him to sleep. By the time he is out I am so tired, and tense!
ok I am going to play a game to destress.

Do you ever feel like you aren't even 1/16 of what you can be?
I feel like I am not even trying to be all that I can be, I almost feel guilty about it.

Amazing, I think I am depressed. I have been staying in bed most of the time for days now.
And today I just figured out that I am depressed, Duh you think ??????
I got on the treadmil today. I could feel every ounce of weight. I have never been so out of shape.

My whole life I have been a morning person. If I don't get it done in the morning, it won't get done. I am worthless at night. once I fix dinner, thats it.
Since I have had Lucas, I have learned to get things done at night.
Tonight after Dinner, I painted in the kitchen, and I cleaned my bedroom. I have to take the chances that I have when Wes is taking care of the baby.
Oh how my world has changed in the last 4 years!

Lucas holding Brandons Finger

Why do I allow myself to get frustrated with my family?

Why don't I just accept the way things are, and deal with it?

Lucas is getting better about doing things on his own. He is allowing me to do a bit more around here. If I could get people to not tear it apart..

Here are some pictures...

Amy Brandon/Lucas

I am living in my own chaos.
Its very stressful.
It really makes me miserable, so why do I continue?

I am stressed. I am just so frantic all the time.Trying to get done what I can get done in the few minutes I have at a time.

I am happy if I get one room picked up a day.

I should have more time today. Wes gets off work kinda early today.

My men

Ok, I have let this slide so much. I'll be updating it now.